Discipline Experts Advise on Keeping Your Cool

How do you respond when a student says something like, "This class sucks"? Brian Mendler, one of the three authors of the third edition of Discipline with Dignity, suggests listening, acknowledging, agreeing, deferring, and then walking away.

"Agreeing is the hardest part," says Mendler. But if you can redirect a disruptive student by saying "I hear you and you might be right, but now's not the time to talk about it," and then move on with what you were originally doing, Mendler believes you have a powerful tool for defusing a common classroom frustration. By offering to hear a student's recommendations for improving the class at a later time, you give students an outlet for articulating their needs but also weed out the kids who just want to complain and have no intentions of constructive dialogue.

If a kid does take time out of their day to meet with you about how the class could be improved, this is actually a good thing, says Mendler. It shows they care about the class and are invested in making it better.

We talked with authors Rick Curwin and Brian Mendler about the latest edition of Discipline with Dignity and found out how the classroom management landscape has changed and how teachers are keeping their cool with challenging students and parents.

Go to the ASCD Talks With an Author page to hear this and other author interviews.

Comments

[Desiree]

I think that taking the time out to discuss possible improvements in instruction with a student could be an insight for any teacher. As a teacher communication is essential!
This is not to say that teachers should change EVERYTHING they do just because a student has merely explained as to why his/her course "sucks" but it does help a teacher keep his/her cool about what he or she could possibly be doing wrong. If the teacher is teaching using the whole class instruction, when a majority of the class learns kinesthetically, this can help a teacher understand why most kids hate his/her course.
Most importantly, to hear a student out on any issue is empowering and allows students to gain a sense of self worth. A teacher that actually cares enough to listen to their students ideas can send positive messages to students.

[James B.]

I think agreeing to a nasty comment would be very difficult. However, I would make every attempt to ease the students mind and allow him or her to offer suggestions later on.
I do think it important for students’ voices to be heard. I feel they are in charge of their learning and as teachers; we do our best to help guide them to make the learning process better and more enjoyable so the proper knowledge can be transferred. There is a time and place for changes to be made and the disruptive student should know this. I don’t think you have to agree with a nasty comment in order to establish a better relationship.

[Tyler R. Long]

I work in an urban district, and the Middle school level, with many challenging children. This has been the most useful tool I have picked up over my first 3 years of teaching. In college, you are always told this is a “best practice” in education. However, you never forget the first time a student tells you to leave them the F&$K alone. I will admit its not something I do 100% of the time, its also something that isn't 100% effective. However, I do believe it is the best practice in most situations.

[Heather]

I think it is a good idea to hear suggestions from your students. I don't think you have to agree with them 100%, but if you can change just the slightest thing it could make a huge differance for some students. I think students could make written suggestions so that the teacher can actually self-reflect and have a good understanding of how their students really feel.

[Iva]

I think it is a good strategy to ask the student to give some ideas on how to improve the lesson after class. At least that calms him down and silences the voices of any wouldbe supporters and the teacher can continue to teach.I also think that such a gracious response may even cause that student to change his attitude towards that teacher.

[Carol]

Yes, I agree. I noticed lately that my class was not very motivated either. So I asked them to jot down what topic they wanted to learn about then write a few questions they wanted answered about that topic. I then made up a computer schedule and let them research their topic. The great thing is they will share with the class what they learned. Maybe some students will become interested in other areas that they thought "sucked".

[Candace]

Students need to be given a voice in the classroom. They also need to be taught appropriate ways to use their voice. When a student states "this class sucks" it's very disrespectful and by agreeing with him you're reinforcing the behavior. Acknowledging the comment - without necessarily agreeing with them - and discussing it with the student later is good practice but you also need to discuss the appropriate ways to express an opinion.

[Katie]

I think this strategy is a great one! Although I agree with the authors that agreeing to a negative comment is going to be the hardest part. Effective communication is an important part of the student-teacher relationship. By acknowledging the student and giving them the opportunity to explain themselves shows that as a teacher you value your students ideas. This shows the student that you value them. If the student does take the time to come and talk to you about it you might even get some good insight into how you can engage your students better. The next time I hear a negative comment about the school or classwork I am defiantly going to try this strategy.

[Suzie]

This is an interesting strategy. Thinking about it now, most of us would focus on the negitive. For example "you will not use the word sucks in this classroom." Instead, I should calm down, and speak to the child with an open ear. Perhaps, I'll still mention that their vocabulary is unacceptable, but maybe with an open attitude that will change as well.

[Suzanne]

I agree with everyone when they say agreeing is the hardest part but it has helped to use this suggestion. Disruptive students seem to thrive on disagreeing with everything you teach. I tried this and it really made a difference. Oncec I agreed with the student and allowed him a chance later to talk to me about it I realized that he just wanted to vent. It wasnt that he didn't want to do the assignment it was actually that he did not know how to do the assignment.

[Renee]

I think that letting students speak their mind is fine-as long as it does not disrupt class. Students may be able to offer constructive feedback on how to make the class better. Students could write their thoughts/suggestions on a piece of paper and put in a "suggestion" box. The teacher could then read their comments and decide if it was good advice or if that student just needed to vent. The students will feel valued and respected because the teacher is listening to them and the teacher may earn their respect and attention. It's a win-win situation.

[James B.]

I think it would be best to inform the disruptive student that you do care what he had to say but not in that manner. By telling the student, that they may be correct in their assessment (“ this class sucks?”) is wrong and should not be tolerated simply because of the manner in which it was presented. I think by acknowledging their manner, even though their assessment could be correct can lead to more abusive outbursts, not only by him/her but other students as well. Situation with unruly or upset students have to be controlled with care and diplomacy.

[Kim]

I also agree that it is difficult to agree with students sometimes. However, I have learned when students use negative comments about a lesson or class it is usually because they do not understand. It is very important to discuss the problems they are having with the class so that it can be resolved and the student can get a better understanding. As we know students learn differently and if you are focused on one style of teaching then some students may struggle and that can cause negative behavior. I teach in a middle school and they are a challenge themselves because at this age they think they know everything. It is important to hear what they have to say and reassure them that you care about them and want what is best for them.

[Flora]

I love the suggested strategy because I have one student who says "this class sucks" or "man, your class is boring". I used to just say thank you to him and he would reply by saying your welcome. He is the leader in his group and has many followers. He loves math but despises reading and writing. I have told him, "Thank you for sharing that. We do have some things to go over in class but please come after school to talk this over with me. Maybe we can come up with things that interest you. Until you come after school, please try to use more positive language." He has not shown up after school, yet, and has been more conscious about what he says. I also sat by him one class period after our lesson and found out that he just doesn't like to read. I gave him some pointers and this has helped so far.

[Deborah]

I am quite in agreement with the strategy of acknowledging the student's remark, supporting it or debunking it and providing the student with an opportunity to elaborate upon the issue at a later time.

Unfortunately, too many teachers react in nonproductive ways and challenge the student for disrupting the classroom and the remark often becomes a referral when the student uses profanity out of frustration. Such a teacher will often send the student to a counselor to advise the student to apologize, change their behavior, set up a parent conference, or get out of the class.

As the counselor, I often recommend that the student ask the teacher to meet with them after class to discuss the situation in a less confrontational manner and that changing teachers is not an option. I will also ask the teacher to review the incident and make recommendations similar to discipline with dignity and provide a positive feedback experience and then resume the lesson.

[Aisha Galt-Theis]

It is challenging to keep your cool when a student interjects with negative comments like, "This class sucks." It is hard not to be reactive and personally offended. However, acknowledging the comment and talking about what can be done to improve the situation later is an important process. It breaks a cycle that negatively affects the entire classroom. I have to remind myself to give the student a chance to talk when we meet later. It is important to take this opportunity to try to find out what is going on for the student and if anything can be done to improve their attitude.

[Jess]

I agree that it is a teacher's responsibility to attend to a student behavior issue at a "less charged" moment if possible, especially with middle and high school students. Confronting a teenager in class can result in a response the teacher is not prepared to deal with because student's react differently when they are confronted in front of their peers.

[Garrett Searing]

I feel that it is the teacher's job to maintain discipline in the classroom by listening to the student's complaint and weighing it against the comments of others. Usually, if one child feels that way the rest probably do also. I heard a great saying from a minister one time who said that "when people are sleeping in the pews someone should wake up the pastor." This has a direct correlation in the classroom also. It may not be the best means of putting this across to the teacher that you are frustrated as a student. To mainatin a scholarly classroom and safe environment for constructive discussion, the teacher should have a place for a student to proclaim his frustrations in a so called comment box for the students. Then if the student is just down right rude, discipline action by the principal needs to take place.

Giving someone some part of the ownership for the class or the project is always a positive step toward a better outcome. I agree with the others that trying to find some common ground of agreement may be difficult at times when you really do not agree. However, turning it into a constructive activity by asking what could be different from the student might open a doorway so the teacher could also give input as to what he/she might request of the student! Thus, it would be a two-way give/take relationship that benefits all.

[Jennifer Reynolds]

I think this is a great tool for successful behavior management. However, I do believe that it isn't fool proof and will not work 100% of the time. It is important to address inappropriate behavior, but you also have to pick you battles. Sometimes the best way to handle a negative situation is with a positive. I also agree that this is a way to give the student some ownership for the class.

[Connie S.]

In my kindergarten room, I often hear comments from mainly the boys because they are not really interested in doing any "coloring" activity sheets. Sometimes it is hard to listen to the negative comments coming from a five year old, but when I hear them, I often question them about alternate activities besides the ones they are not enjoying doing. Sometimes it is just a matter of not wanting to do any form of work at all. I think dealing with the comments would be more challenging with the older grade levels.

[Dan]

I believe the best thing for a teacher to do is to keep his or her cool in a situation like this. I could see many teachers blowing up with frustration in response to a comment like that. This will only lead to more disrespect/sarcasm towards the teacher or cause the student to be hesitant or even frightened to speak his/her mind again. If a teacher is going to respond immediately, he/she should calmly use an "I-message" like- "I believe you don't like this assignment, but we can talk about it later" rather than a "you-message" like- "You are going to be in trouble for saying that!" The "you-message" is blaming the student for doing wrong, but really he just wants to be heard that he's not happy with the class. Using a suggestion box is another great idea that was mentioned earlier.

[Tracy]

Working in an urban school district many of my student feel the need to voice their opinion and do so in any fashion they feel necessary. I think it is important for them to be able to voice their opinion. I think we need to teach them "professionalism". They need to understand when it is appropriate to make a comment and the appropriate way to state that opinion. They need to understand that they cannot deal with every situation as they would in the streets. It is my responsibility to teach them strategies to deal successfully and appropriately with real life situations. They need to learn about a filter. When to use that filter. This will help my student to become more successful in the real world.

[Rachel]

I teach in an alternative education building for students, mostly with IEP's, that have been placed out of school for behavioral issues. My students, for the most part, do not realize how important education is; therefore, on a daily basis they are commenting on how "stupid" or "gay" a topic or assignment is. Everytime I assign a worksheet or essay they ask if they have to do it. When I first started teaching here, I would get very frustrated and say things like, "since when is school an option? Why do you ask me that question every time?" My student woulds see that they really got to me. I agree that taking a passive approach to these situations is better. Alot of the time my students are just trying to get a "rise" out of me. Now that I have stopped letting that happen, the students have calmed down and understand my expectations. I also have to remember that, in a way, I believe public education has failed these students, and they are looking for an escape plan. I focus myself on maintaining control and hope for a better future for my students.

[amorea trew]

I taught high school, and am now in kindergarten (so I could be at the same school as my daughter), and I just think that asking a child to "hold that thought, and we will discuss it after class" is not teaching respect and who the authority in the room is. I encouraged input on my lessons, but would not tolerate this type of behavior without consequences.

[Leslie]

I agree with James B. Usually when a student speaks out in a negative manner, it usually means that they do not understand and therefore need to compensate for their lack of understanding through negative remarks about the assignment or class. Agreeing with the student in the assessment that the class sucks or the assignment sucks shows the rest of the class gives the impression that the teacher is weak and does not stand behind what it is that they are doing. I think the best way to deal with the situation is first diffuse the situation by addressing the remark by calmly asking the student if there is anything that they do not understand that can be clarified to enhance the enjoyment of learning. Humor is always a good way to diffuse these types of situations. Then you can invite them to stay after class to help prepare tomorrow's lesson to make class more enjoyable. If the student takes you up on the offer you can include them in the lesson plan by having them prepare an exciting anticipatory set. Most likely the student will not stay but putting the offer on the table shows the class that you are willing to work with them. Simply agreeing with a rude remark such as "this class sucks" would make the teacher lose respect in my opinion. The thing is to not take these things personally and move on.

[Rachel]

I agree wholeheartedly with Mendler's point about listening to the students. As human beings, one of our primary desires is to feel heard--to feel like we have a voice. So many teachers don't want to entertain student complaints, thinking that the student just wants to be problematic. However, it is important for the teacher to seek out the reason for the disruptive or challenging behavior. Sometimes students act out because of outside distractions or issues. Sometimes students act out because the information being presented is overwhelming to them, and thus makes them feel inadequate. Sometimes students act out because the teacher is truly not stimulating or engaging the student. An expert teacher will create a democratic classroom where the students can have a voice. While the delivery of the student complaint may not always be appropriate or should be tolerated, it is wise for a teacher to seek out the underlying reasons for the disruption and consider the student's feelings.

[Jennifer]

As educators I believe that we need to develop a relationship of trust with our students so that they feel comfortable taking the risk to communicate their feelings. We should reinforce and support sharing so that other students begin to talk and explore their ideas.

Therefore, I agree with Mendler's response to a disruptive student by saying "I hear you and you might be right, but now's not the time to talk about it," We have to remember that students are just children and they don't always know how to express themselves accurately. Therefore, we need to model how to express feelings and appropriate and inappropriate word choices.

Likewise, as teachers we need to be effective communicators and be willing to listen to students feelings while maintaining order of the classroom. This is where I strongly agree with others that the follow-up discussion is very important. Students need to be given the time to explain themselves otherwise the same disruption will continue.

[Pam Ingram]

I teach in an inner-city school. The challenges that I face are numerous. Parents often tell their students to come to school and act "crazy" so that I will refer them for testing. I am also hit, kicked etc.. all of this by 3rd grade students. How can I handle them with dignity while still being firm and fair so they will not think that they won?

[amorea trew]

Wow, Pam. How long have you taught in your school? What is the respponse by your administrators when you are hit? What in the world will these kids be like when they are older? That is scary. As educators, we are SO needed! Our students need our love and empathy as well as our authority. It is hard to teach respect when there is obviously none at home. I strongly believe that should not have to tolerate this behavior and disrespect, but at the same time we cannot kick them all out.

What do you do when you are hit and kicked, and how often does this happen?

[Sheri]

I have to admit that if a child told me that my class "sucks" I would be disturbed but would acknowledge their feelings and tell them that we will discuss it as soon as the lesson is finished. I would not allow a negative comment like this to take any more of our time - that would be allowing them to have control of the class. Most of my students would be shocked and outraged if one of their classmates talked to me like that. I teach third grade and most of my students still have a great respect for their teachers.

I feel that it is extremely important to acknowledge any child's feelings - that is the only way that they will understand that I truly care. Once we have discussed why they made the comment, we would discuss a better way to handle their feelings the next time. Children that would be so disrespectful do not have an authority figure that would help them to understand a better way to handle such a situation. Just one more example of why our students need us so much.

[Dana]

Hearing students was the very topic of a school committee meeting that I attended last week. It was brought up that several of our journalism students had held a "press conference" with our administrators, and the idea of changing a section of the dress code was raised. I found it interesting that many of the teachers latched onto the horrors of changing the dress code (slippery slope and all) and completely missed the point that the person relaying this incident was trying to make clear; the fact that the students had felt better about being heard without being shut down immediately. Will the dress code change to allow what they are asking? Probably not, but they felt better having been allowed to address the topic in an appropriate manner.

[Linda Munk]

I know this: hearing is not the same as listening. I fear that "this class sucks" is probably true for many of our students, who are grappling with the old school teaching methods and expectations. Today's kids are multi-taskers, who need noise around them in order to function. So they are NOT like us.....and if we act like a police force instead of a school faculty, then we get what we deserve.

[Cheryl D.]

The day when we start letting "children" tell professionals who've spent years in college and thousands of dollars on educating themselves to "teach" is the day that we arrived in number 22 in the world!! Watch the commercial people!! Then tell me that a "child" who has been on the Earth for less that a minute has the "right" to stand in your professional face and tell you that this class "sucks" you're supposed to agree? Not in MY WORLD!!!

[James E. Mac Shane]

The success of this classroom dynamics for the teacher is non-judgmental acceptance of the student at that instant. It can't really be known what the problem is but your reaction demonstrates your honesty and fearless understanding of your leadership roll in the class.

The use of the traditional systemic discipline methods actually deludes your self-respect. That historic response comes from out side yourself from the system. All the students from grades 6 thur 12 have learned to survive that negative reaction to their behavior or from fellow student's behavior. It will not get the teacher to any unknown legitimacy behind the problem.

[Ed RU]

Before it gets to the point of student articulating a negative comment during the middle of a lesson, and possibly ruining the experience for everyone in the room, I seek out those that appear bored, lost or frustrated and ask them "What can I do to make this class better, or more interesting?" I ask them point blank: "Should we have more labs, more reading, more lectures and notes or are there too many labs, readings, etc..."

Most of the time, the students are caught off-guard: "You mean, a teacher actually wants to hear what I have to say. I actually get to have some input?! I won't get into trouble for complaining!?"

Not that I will do everything that they suggest, but there have been some very good suggestions over the years regarding what I should be concentrating on and how best to present the material. At times, it has been humbling to hear their viewpoint, but the benefits regarding open communication and mutual respect are well worth it!

[Brian Mendler]

Hey Everyone... Thanks for all the discussion. It is interesting to read your thoughts on the latest edition of our book. It seems like the "agreeing" with "this class sucks" is the hot topic.

I know it is hard and might not be how we really feel. However, saying the student is or MIGHT be correct is purely to diffuse in the moment so you CAN get back to teaching the rest of the class. What are the alternatives? To tell them it is inappropriate? You think they don't know it's inappropriate? That's why they said it!

No one likes being told their lesson sucks, or they are an a**hole. But showing it does not bother is what gets it to stop long term.

I hope you keep the discussion going... And oh, by the way, feel free to recommend the book!!!:)